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Assertiveness in our self, supports all that we do and the way we do it.
So what is assertiveness?
In my lived experience assertiveness is the ability to be able to stand up for our own or other people’s rights in a calm mature manner, whilst remaining positive and self-assured.
The Cambridge dictionary describes assertiveness as:
"the quality of being confident and not frightened to say what you want or believe":
Assertiveness is a social communication skill, using this skill as effective language whilst respecting others feelings and thoughts makes for quality and friendly relationships.
This is important because we will be expressing ourselves clearly, this help us all get our needs fulfilled and boosts our self-esteem, which in turn reduces stress and enables us to stand up for our personal point of view.
When we are assertive we are seen and heard, taken seriously evoking others respect for us and our respect for them. Assertive communication is a two way street.
Asserting our needs as they arise is considered authentic and congruent and is the middle ground between being passive or aggressive. According to the Journal of Innovation in Psychology, Education and Didactics assertiveness protects against manipulation.
Assertiveness is a communication skill we can all have and use for the enhancement of our personal lives and living.
What does it look like to be an assertive person?
Assertive people stand their ground, know who they are, what they want. They are self-aware and don't compromise their position and can get their point across without upsetting other or getting upset themselves. Assertive people have and use firm but flexible boundaries, are open to complements and constructive feedback to develop their way of being and grow as a person.
Assertive people won't compromise their own beliefs but will explore and test their beliefs often checking they still work for them, they will walk away from situations that no longer fit with them or those environments which are filled with un-trustable people.
That's not running away, that's standing in their own authentic personal power without compromising their safety physical, emotional or psychological. They know they will be alright, this comes from a positive attitude and mindset and works with a regulated nervous system.
Being assertive is as much about making decisions, sticking to that decision once made and telling others of the decision in a calm adult manner. We may find ourselves being assertive in one area of our lives and not others, this is to be expected and can be developed as we go. For example, we may be assertive on the phone but when we meet someone in person, we may begin to feel intimidated or manipulated by the other if we allow ourselves to be of course.
So how do we know if we are being assertive or not?
Take a look at the table below for the differences between passive, assertive and aggressive behaviours.
Passive - putting personal needs behind others needs | Assertive - recognising they matter, their voice matter's equally to all others | Aggressive - believing only personal needs matter |
Harms others and self | Does no harm | Harms others |
Takes responsibility for others actions | Takes responsibility for self's not others actions | Takes no responsibility for self - blames others |
People pleasing | Fair behaviour | Tries to control others |
Sees other point of view before their own | Negotiates if doesn't like or want something to happen | See's only their point of view |
Does as they are told - compliant | Listens to all points of view | Tells others what to do |
Doesn't like change | Instigates change when needed | Believe they are always right |
Co-dependant/dependant on others | Interdependant can rely on self and other equally | Counter-dependant - fears of relying on others doesn't ask for help and support |
Gives, gives, gives, ignoring own needs | Gives and receives equally | Receives - doesn't give much |
Needs others approval/validations | Self affirms and validates | Grandiose doesn't believe others have much to offer them |
Trust others without questioning | Trusting until proven otherwise | None trusting/self-protecting |
Lacking self-love/compassion | Appropriately intimate with trusting others | Love/intimacy avoidant |
Low self-esteem and confidence | Exercises self-efficacy and builds others confidence | Very low self-esteem and little confident expresses self aggressively to protect self |
Does not challenge others or self - keeps the peace | Challenges when needed owns and feels personal inner peace a lot of the time | Disrupts peace because they don't have inner calm or peace so creates/projects/transfers what's inside to outside to prove self right' |
Believes unconditionally | Challenges when needed and tests personal belief's periodically | Challenges everyone else but self |
The pendulum may swing to either the passive or aggressive way of communicating. BUT using passive or aggressive language either verbally or bodily will not fulfil our needs or others needs, we will not be respected as others may see us as being manipulative, a bully, weak or anything other than assertive and good to be around.
Assertive communications involves:
Feeling comfortable in asking for help when needed
Capability of asking others if they want support without taking over and not feeling rejected if they say no thank you
Having the ability to say no when you don't want to do or can't do something
Making informed decisions and choices
Setting and using firm and flexible boundaries for yourself and others
Confidently stating your needs, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions
Confident and Relaxed body language
Even tone of voice relaxed facial muscles and smiling
Ability to use I statements and owning what you say without shaming or blaming others
Capacity to hold eye contact when communicating
Use of language that is not critical of self or others
Assertiveness is something we can all use with confidence, it involves becoming self-aware, owning a positive self-image respecting self and others equally and avoids interpersonal conflicts. Whilst lessoning anxieties, reducing the chance of being manipulated coerced or exploited.
If you'd like to become more assertive or explore boundary setting or seeking your own personal authentic power. I offer a free 30 mins video call so we can meet before our first session. Contact me at email: pendulumofpeace8@gmail.com text or WhatsApp message to 07867938630 and lets connect.
Together we can
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