Christmas is coming - Grief is getting fast and fat.

Anniversaries and Special days

Christmas can be especially difficult for people who are new to grieving and facing their first Christmas without their loved one. It can be equally as difficult for those who are and have been grieving for years. Grief doesn't just go away with time, there are days that are more poignant in our grieving and our grief may feel as fresh as the day our loved one died - even if that was some years ago.

Even if we don't feel it human Beings are created with the ability to withstand and stand in the midst of chaos and catastrophe we are created to survive all manner of psychological and emotional trauma, be transformed and changed by our experiences and live on.  Our nervous systems have a mind of their own and our survival instinct will take over when the going gets tough hence the fight, flight, freeze, collapse responses their mission is one minded that is to make sure we survive our experiences.

The cultural society we live in for expressing grief is to sweep it under the carpet ‘as if’ by talking will trigger memories of the death of your loved one and will evoke those painful feelings to when your loved one died. The truth is, unbeknownst to the outsider you have never forgotten the death of your Loved one and you live it every minute of every day and you never will forget them or the pain that comes with your loss.  It is to our 'mourning' which we can support and make our pain and sorrow less, sadness will sweep over us at certain times in our lives and fast and grow in weight and feels. We will learn to manage how we respond to our sadness the more we grieve and come to accept sadness as part of our continued living and loss experiences.

Anniversaries and special days -

imply a celebration and in time that’s what they will become to you once you let go of the initial pain of shock, loss and grief.  Letting go of our pain, sorrow and distress does not equal letting go of our loved one, once the pain has evolved we will hold our loved ones to our heart and acknowledge the gifts they left for us. Having realistic expectations of what may happen in the future regarding your grief may help you to work through the more difficult and intense days for example You can expect all ‘first’s’ to be difficult and your feelings may become as intense as if the death of your Loved one just happened if not more intense because the shock won’t be there to deflect your pain.  Life will be particularly difficult for the first two years following the death of your Loved one. 

After the first year has passed you may find year two is often the most difficult of times. There is no right way to grieve, you will find a way which is best for you to get through these especially difficult days; you will be faced with your grief for years to come. You can help support yourself or seek support from a professional counsellor who can help you navigate your grieving path.

Anniversaries and special day are not stepping back into your grief but a reminder of all you’re missing and how important your Loved one was and still is in your life. 

Anniversary reactions are to be expected and may last for just the special day or for days or weeks before and after, it is usual to feel sad and blue, it is usual to cry or not cry it is understandable to feel lonely or fatigued all those feelings you had immediately following the death of your loved one may return again and with intensity.  Anger, pain of separation, yearning and anguish, loss of control, difficulty sleeping, despair and anxiety.  Allow your feelings to just be how they are on the day let them come as they are. Trying not to fight them, practice your relaxations techniques to support any anxiety to make the day as easy as possible for yourself find what comforts you.

What you may need to consider is to give yourself ‘permission’ to not only grieve but also permission to go on with your living, to celebrate Christmas connect with family and friends those who understand and allow you to talk as you need to express these feelings. Give yourself permission to accept your life will never be the same again without your beautiful loved one -  accept your life will go on so your Loved one lives on through you. 

Christmas can be especially difficult as the nation has gone into celebration mode and that's the last thing a grieving person wishes to do, many grieving people find themselves reliving the time leading up to the death and if death happened around Christmas then all the little details will show themselves in the lead up to that day and time. You may feel a 'release' around the time of death or just after this is to be expected, you may also feel great sorrow and anguish this is also to be expected. However your grief shows up just do you. Be kind, gentle and compassionate to yourself and understand that this is also part of your grieving process.

 "However your grief shows up just do you"

Sadness will remain a part of you for all time; your memories will become the most beautiful of gifts and cherished joy of your loved one’s life and the life and love you shared together.

What can you do to support a loved one at Christmas or other days that are difficult - Bring the person who has died into the present moment by talking about them, say and call the person by their name, if you knew them whilst they were alive recall your memories of your relationship together. Recall what you remember about them and speak of them often with the people who are grieving. Talk about them realistically if they were a joker mention that, if they were naughty speak of that, recalling what they did, if they liked chocolate speak about that and buy the griever a bar of the dead ones favourite treat to have with a cuppa. Talking about a missing loved one keeps their memory alive and in the present; acceptance of what is, is our greatest gift to share with the bereft.

If you wish you could also support the bereaved in creating new traditions for the season in their loved ones name such as buying a special Christmas babble for their tree, planting bulbs in the garden or decorating a special table or corner in the home in memory of the loved one. This can bring back joy as well as sadness the two can and often do coexist eventually.

If your grief gets worse over time instead of more manageable or interferes with your daily functioning it may be time to seek personal counselling and/or to seek medical support through your GP.  ‘Ignorance is bliss’, but unresolved grief can lead to depression and mental health issues and it is both productive and healthy to be honest with yourself about how you feel so you can take the best course of action to ensure you’re growing around your grief and not stuck, well-being is paramount.

Whatever you choose to do on the anniversary or special day fill the time with

love & connection

If you feel you would like some support as you negotiate your grieving and healing path please contact on one of the details below