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Self-Criticism V Self-Compassion
Something I recognised from my own journey of healing was the absence of self- compassion, this shows up time and time again in my practice when supporting others.
"I find we are often our own worst enemy"
What is in its place is that self-critical voice that is loud, brash and oh so certain that it is right 100% of the time - It might be news to a lot of you reading this but this inner critical voice that we listen to even in our sleep is seldom correct at all!
According to Internal Family Systems theory these voices known as parts of our psyche are not integrated into the Self and can play out in our heads by speaking to us both consciously i.e., we can hear them or subconsciously i.e. we can’t hear them in our conscious mind.
Yet they are constantly playing in our mind like a broken record or as we’d play a music track these days streaming on a loop none stop. Our chatterbox can either speak critically and pull ourselves down or speak kindly and empower ourself and others.
Let’s talk about each part so we are clear on their role within us.
Self-Critical part - has had years to perfect its craft and voice she/he/they reel off their vitriol none stop day in day out, spitting out its negativity and doubt making us freeze on our track and keeping us stuck doubting our capabilities eroding our belief in ourself. This part of us is familiar or as I like to refer to to this part as fami-liar. A lot of the time we are not consciously hearing this parts speal, the worst thing about this is over time we accept it as read and act upon it both consciously and subconsciously.
The consequence of this self-talk wears down our self-esteem and confidence in what we can and can’t achieve, we’ll hear ourself saying “I can’t”, “I’m a failure”, “I’m not good enough”, “no one will pick me”, “I’m useless”, or “I’ve always been like this”, “I’ll never achieve anything”.
I’m sure you can add your own.
"All this negative self-talk does is keeps us in a state of
‘threat and distress'".
We can explode in anger, irritation and frustrations or implode in nervous worry, shaking and feeling physically ill. Either way nothing seems to make sense anymore and we begin to feel stressed, low or even depressed, have symptoms of anxiety and no longer know ourself.
Now we hear “what if’s” and “if only’s” or negatively question ourself with “why me”? “Why now”. We hear inside our thoughts coulda, woulda, shoulda done this or that or I must, I must do this, I must get that done, I must, I must, I must on an endless mind stream. All this serves is to drive us more fearful and keeps the status quo going because all these should, musts, got too's only serve us to stay in the threat and distress zone ... we need to eradicate all these negative words, beliefs and thoughts.
Overwhelmed we end up not even attempting to do anything. We stand at the bottom of the mountain looking up at the top hoping and wishing to get there but without thinking about the individual steps needed to climb to the top. We are not spider-person or super-person we are a human being who are born to make mistakes and we do often so don't hold them against yourself because there are plenty of others who will. BUT that says more about them then you.
We begin to feel guilty because we can no longer go to work or get through the day and feelings of guilt and shame enter the mix and we find ourselves in a state of confusion and fear. Fear becomes the main event and we begin to fear the feelings of fear itself ….. fearful we’ve now forgotten where this all started in the first place.
All this procrastination, negativity and self-doubt keeps us in this place and by now our nervous system has become so frazzled, so over-sensitised and so dysregulated, that we feel confused, lost and no longer ourself, feeling in conflict within, just wanting and longing to feel better, to feel ourself again. At this point our whole system has gone array and we no longer know what to do, we feel lost, alone, scared and don’t know which way to turn.
Pheeeew its just exhausting to even thing about let alone read about this state of mind …..
Take heart though there is hope …….The first step is self-compassion
Self-Compassion in contrast awakens our ability to soothe ourself and creates a state of being ‘safe and calm’, it involves being kind and gentle with ourself something many, well a lot of us don’t know how to be.
If we think about how we would treat a friend when they tell us, I’m useless, a failure or tell us they are not good enough. We don’t agree with them do we? NO we soothe them telling them this is just one thing, a blip, there is a job waiting for you, you can do this no problem, we pull out their strengths and skills, we point out their past achievements and triumphs we remind them of their gift and talents.
Instead of being our own worst enemy, critical and damming, self-compassion is befriending ourselves and making ourself our own best friend.
But how do we do that, I hear you saying!
First, we need to accept that the critical voice has a major role to play in our overall well-being, I know it doesn’t feel like it BUT its role is to help us survive and in its bid to help us survive it has had free rein over many years and now is out of control, too loud, brash and disempowering, whilst at the same time thinks it’s doing a good job, because this part takes its evidence from the facts …… we/you/them are surviving.
YES, it is partly correct because you are surviving, and its job is done and continues to be done. However this critical part doesn’t understand there is more to living than merely surviving.
The critical part doesn’t understand we don’t need it to be this loud or this hypervigilant to the detriment that doesn’t allow other parts to be heard by the conscious mind and therefore has stunted their growth and positive roles within the whole system.
These other parts are still inside us, some are hidden, and some have covered themselves because the critical voice has overwhelmed them. The good news is they are all still there, the confident part, the part who has good self-esteem, the compassionate part, the part that soothes the system and the part that shouts from the rafters I CAN and many more parts.
The knack is to find them and work with them to find their voice again and to support all the parts to come out of hiding and reconnect back into the system working in harmony together rather than against each other.
Being kind to ourself also involves:
Acknowledge you have needs equal of all others, its OK to fulfil them for yourself
Talking to yourself with kindness, catch your unkind thoughts replace with kind words
Use affirmations - repeat, I can, I am getting better everyday, I am my own best friend
Acknowledge you make mistakes it is human to do so and can learn from them
Set aside some time everyday to do something you enjoy at least 30 mins to begin with
Treat yourself as you would your best friend
Draw a line under your past mistakes and strive to do differently in the future
Take care of yourself through diet, exercise and rest its hard to be kind if your hungry, tired or in pain.
Actively work to strive for a better work-life balance all work and no play makes us all dull
Spend time reflecting upon happy memories or visit a place that makes you happy
It doesn't take much to be kind to yourself and others, look to the small everyday things you do and not the big once and for all things, they don't exist to create healthy change the devil is in the detail after all!
If you are overwhelmed with an inner critical voice, full of anxiety, feeling depressed or spinning on your procrastination axis and want to know more about how to work with your inner parts and get well again contact me here or on the details below.
Because together we can
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